


bad at love

by actuallyshua



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gratuitous Mentions of Marijuana, M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-08-13 12:16:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20174116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actuallyshua/pseuds/actuallyshua
Summary: Chanhee had been with Seokwoo for three years and yet, he struggled in navigating being in love. Through smoke and ashtrays and endless parties, he just never found the perfect time.Or -Chanhee makes the time.





	bad at love

The worst thing about dating a drug dealer was the fact that there was never really any time. 

Any time to themselves, that is. 

Sure, Chanhee still had 24 hours in a day just as everyone else did, but never any hours for just himself and Seokwoo. Their apartment always had extra bodies filling up the space. 

The second worst thing about dating a drug dealer was that said drug dealer had unlimited access to said drug. And when Chanhee wasn't around to keep Seokwoo at bay, things often went south.

Tonight was a prime example of that. He was doing to run for Seokwoo, as the other was in the middle of a heated Mario Kart match with Youngbin, and was happy to spend some time away from the yelling by parking himself on Taeyang and Youngkyun's couch. 

He met them through Seokwoo, when they first started dating, and took to them immediately. They were goofy and loud, sure, but level headed and considerate of Chanhee's need for quiet times. 

They were watching a movie but mostly just chatting amongst themselves, passing a joint between them and swapping stories of work and school. It was when Chanhee was passing the nearly dead joint back to Taeyang when his phone buzzed. 

Probably Seokwoo telling him to come home. Maybe he set the microwave on fire again.

Opening the text, Chanhee sat up straight.

**From: Seokie **

_911!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

911 texts were saved for serious emergencies only. Pressing matters outside the realm of needing milk or a pizza pickup. 

He quickly pressed Seokwoo's contact and wasn't surprised by how quickly the man answered, out of breath.

"What's wrong?" Chanhee said, not giving him any time to say his usual greeting.

Chanhee couldn't understand what Seokwoo was saying, and that made his heart pick up the pace. 

"Wait what? What are you saying," Chanhee pressed the phone closer to his ear as if that would make a difference, "Slow down. Are you okay? Where are you?" 

Taeyang and Youngkyun's once cheerful expressions were replaced with a seriousness he wasn't used to, no more chit chat and laughter filling the space. 

"I'm home!" 

"Okay. That's good. Are you hurt?" 

"I can't feel my feet." 

Chanhee paused, letting his boyfriend's words sink in. He leaned back into the couch, looking up at the ceiling. 

"You can't feel your feet?" 

He heard Taeyang snort loudly and he opted for just closing his eyes instead of reacting. That was just easier and far less embarrassing. It was a phone call Chanhee had had with Seokwoo many times before. Seokwoo was always a bit of a handful, but when he was too high, he became nothing short of an absolute manchild. Sometimes, it was adorable. He'd duck his head into Chanhee's neck and they'd spend the day in each other's arms. But other times, like now, it was ridiculous. 

"Yeah I mean," He heard Seokwoo shuffling around, a light sniff indicating that he had, in fact, been crying, "I can walk and stuff but I can't feel them!" 

"Who are you with right now? Are you alone or is Youngbin still there?" 

More shuffling, "Youngbin is here. But he's asleep on the couch." 

"How much did you smoke?" 

Seokwoo was silent for a moment, his light breaths being the only sound to reach Chanhee's ears before he replied in a sheepish voice, "A lot." 

"You're too high. Go to bed and I'll be home soon. And stop texting me 911 when there's no real emergency. You know it scares me." 

"This was an emerg-"   
  
Chanhee hung up before Seokwoo finished and he turned back to his friends, "I have to go." 

"Trouble in paradise?" Youngkyun spoke sweetly, tucking his feet under himself as he scooted closer to Taeyang, plucking the joint from his boyfriend's fingers.

"Youngbin fell asleep so Seokwoo probably tried to smoke himself tired and now I guess he can't feel his feet." 

"Why does he never give us the good strains?" Taeyang pouted and that made Chanhee laugh. Taeyang never paid him enough for the good strains, but he wasn't about to tell him that. 

"Hey, is everything all set for his birthday party? Did you need us to do anything else?" 

Chanhee shook his head as he gathered his things, "No, you guys have done more than enough. Thank you, though. I think everyone has done a really good job of keeping it a secret," He paused for a moment, "Though I'm sure if anyone told him, he'd probably forget the next day." 

Chanhee had been planning a surprise party for Seokwoo's birthday for months now. Every little detail narrowed down, put into place, ready to go. He was proud of himself, really. Seokwoo loved birthdays. Loved any holiday, really. He was a social butterfly to a tee and treated birthdays and holiday parties with their friends like they were family.

Because that's what they were to him.

That was easy to see from the moment Chanhee was introduced to all of them. On their first few dates, Chanhee grew to love the way that Seokwoo talked about his friends. He'd talk about Juho and his cats, Inseong's beautiful singing voice, funny stories of Sanghyuk drinking too much, all with stars in his eyes and a smile on his face. They were everything to him.

And when Chanhee finally met them, he got it. They were all amazing people. Loud and crowding and always _there._ But amazing nonetheless. 

But, back to the party. 

While he was filled with pride, he was also filled with a twinging guilt. 

He'd been dating Seokwoo for three years now and yes, he'd celebrated his birthday before, but never really did anything to blow him away. 

Chanhee was chronically bad at showing how much he loved Seokwoo.

He figured the party would be a nice way. 

"It'll be fun," Taeyang's voice brought Chanhee back to reality, "He's really going to love it." 

"Yeah," Youngkyun chimed in, "He loves dorky stuff like surprise parties. Are you sure you don't need us to do anything else? I know Juho got the cake and Inseong and Sanghyuk are in charge of the drinks. What are Youngbin and Jaeyoon doing?" 

"Distracting him for the day. Actually, if you guys wouldn't mind showing up early to help me set up? Juho is dropping the cake off but then has to run some other errands. Sanghyuk will be there but I'm not sure I entirely sure I trust him with a lot of it." 

The two shared a laugh at this, knowing exactly what Chanhee meant when he said this, and happily agreed to come help. He knew he'd been wasting too much time and Seokwoo was still at home, either crying over his feet or passed out in their bed, but he put extra pep in his step as he navigated the thankfully short walk back to his own apartment. Sometimes, it still felt strange. He never really pictured himself living with anyone, falling in love, all of that. He was never one for romance. 

But, like most things in life, Seokwoo wormed his way in and made himself at home in Chanhee's heart. 

Chanhee reached the door in no time, not surprised to see Youngbin asleep on the couch, but very much surprised to see Seokwoo in the kitchen. He had his headphones on, head bopping along to whatever he was listening to, stirring something that smelled delicious in a large pot. He must have come down from his feet suppressing high, and Chanhee was mostly relieved to see. He hesitated making himself known for a few moments, drinking in the sight. 

Seokwoo's sweatpants were too long, picking up dust bunnies as he shuffled along the kitchen, and his shirt had a pizza sauce stain on it. His hair was a mess, shooting off in different directions. 

He was beautiful. Painfully so. On the mornings when Chanhee would wake up early for class, he'd linger in bed a little too long and relish in spending his days with someone like Seokwoo. So handsome and kind and sweet. Chanhee wished he had the strength, even after all this time, to say it to his face. 

Shaking his head, Chanhee set his bag down and approached Seokwoo, tapping the man's shoulder gently. 

Seokwoo jumped and turned quickly, taking his headphones off with a wide smile, "Hey, babe! How was Taeyang's?" 

Chanhee was swept up into Seokwoo's large arms, his feet coming off the ground for just a moment before being placed down. A swift kiss to his lips was placed before Seokwoo turned back to the dinner he was making. 

"It was good. How are your feet?" He tapped Seokwoo's foot with his own, eliciting a laugh from the other.

"In tact and working. I think Youngbin is probably here for the night, unless you want to kick him out. I'm making some ramen if you're hungry." 

Chanhee mulled it over. He decided that he was hungry and that he wouldn't kick Youngbin out. He looked far too comfy on their couch, anyway. 

The rest of the evening was quiet conversation over steaming bowls, Chanhee sneaking glances up as Seokwoo would slurp up his noodles. Their apartment was quiet now, Youngbin's light breathing and the turned down television providing some nice white noise, and he was having difficulty not telling Seokwoo that tomorrow would be all for him. He opted for masking it, apologizing to the man for not really planning anything for his birthday tomorrow. In typical Seokwoo fashion, he brushed it off and insisted it was okay. 

Chanhee knew that Seokwoo wasn't lying, he never would, but he could see the glimmer of _something _behind his eyes. Hope, maybe. And this time, Chanhee would give it to him. It was really the least that he could do. 

Seokwoo fell asleep before Chanhee, passing out after a quick "I love you" and a kiss. They'd smoked before bed, as they always did, propped up against their pillows and tucked under far too many blankets. He was watching Seokwoo now, like he did in the mornings, mind feeling light and airy. 

He knew tomorrow would be the day for stress. The day for worrying about whether Seokwoo would stay away from the apartment long enough for him to set everything up. Whether Juho would get the right cake. 

So, for now, Chanhee allowed himself to fall into sleep, tucking himself neatly into Seokwoo's side. 

"I love you." He said, though it fell on deaf ears. 

It felt like he only slept for the duration of a single blink. No dreams, no longevity, nothing. Just eyes closed, eyes open. 

And his eyes were staring at Youngbin. 

Certainly not the first face Chanhee wanted to see. 

"Uh," He started, blinking quickly so his eyes could adjust, "Hi." 

"I'm going to take Seokwoo out now," Youngbin was speaking in a low voice, eyes glancing towards the open door, "What time do you want us back?" 

Oh right. Today was the day. Chanhee stretched and sat up, running a hand through his hair, "Not until 6. Hey can you do me a huge favor?"

Youngbin nodded, "Of course." 

"Can you make sure he's not super high when he gets here? I know everyone is going to smoke during the party and I know you guys will today, which is fine, but try and do it early? I want him to be at least a little sober when he gets here." 

"You got it, captain." 

With a well placed slap to Chanhee's shoulder, Youngbin exited the room and left Chanhee with his thoughts. He had an impossible amount of things to do in an incredibly short amount of time. 

Somehow managing to get himself together, Chanhee put on a genuine smile as he walked out to the kitchen, standing on his tiptoes to kiss Seokwoo.

"Happy birthday, Seokie."

Seokwoo wasn't quick to let him go, instead pressing their foreheads together and smiling wide. Couldn't they just stay like this all day?

"Thank you, Chanhee," They reluctantly parted ways, "Youngbin and Jaeyoon are taking me to the aquarium! It's too bad you have to work today." 

"Yeah, too bad!" 

It probably sounded too forced, because Seokwoo gave him a strange look. Hiding a party from him was difficult considering no one could read Chanhee the way that Seokwoo could. 

Seokwoo hesitated for a moment before his usual smile took over his face, "It's alright, though. We're still having dinner tonight? Right?" 

"Of course. We always go out on your birthday." 

Chanhee couldn't help but look at the clock throughout the morning. Youngbin was dilly dallying too much, Seokwoo needed to leave soon, but the two were seated on the couch after they had all had breakfast, sharing idle chit chat and back and forth. He distracted himself with cleaning the kitchen, his entire body twinging with anxiety. 

He knew his friends wouldn't mess this up for him, for Seokwoo. He just really needed everything to be perfect. 

"Okay, Chanhee, we're heading out now!"

Chanhee released a quick sigh of relief before turning to face his boyfriend, "Have fun. Don't ask the aquarium worker if you can swim with the dolphins. You know the answer will be no." 

Seokwoo fake pouted at this, "I think that maybe if I ask enough, they'll just give in and say yes." 

Chanhee didn't reply to this, just patted the mans cheek gently and sent he and Youngbin on their way. All but literally kicking them out of the apartment. When he heard the door click shut, he immediately set to work. 

Moving tables and chairs, dusting, vacuuming, he even organized Seokwoo's bongs neatly on a shelf, telling himself they almost looked like flower vases. 

It was two hours later when Sanghyuk showed up, decorations in tow. The two worked in tandem to turn the apartment into a space fit for a party. There really wasn't a theme, Chanhee knew if Seokwoo were to have a themed party he'd probably go with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Pineapple Express. Something along those lines.

Chanhee would do a lot for Seokwoo. But he wouldn't do that. 

As he pinned one of the last streamers to the ceiling, barely balancing on a chair, he heard Sanghyuk flop down on the couch and exhale a heavy sigh.

"Can we take a break? We still have plenty of time, you know? You made me get up early for this." 

"Early?" Chanhee huffed, "It's barely one in the afternoon."

"Come on," Sanghyuk reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out a small joint, "Just a tiny break?" 

Chanhee hesitated for a moment, looking from Sanghyuk to the pile of decorations that still needed to go back up and back to Sanghyuk. He supposed taking a fifteen wouldn't kill him. And his back was starting to ache anyway. 

"Fine. But only because that thing isn't strong enough to totally incapacitate the two of us. We'll finish it and then get back to work. Taeyang and Youngkyun will be here soon to help us, anyway." 

Chanhee never smoked before he met Seokwoo. It wasn't that he really cared about it, or had any sort of thoughts about it, the opportunity just never presented itself. So when he met Seokwoo and found out what he did, there his doors were opened.

He was never pressured, never pushed, and didn't even smoke the first time Seokwoo had invited him over to hang out with his friends. Chanhee actually had quite a fun time being the sober mind in the room, watching Inseong cry over if rocks had feelings or not and observing Juho eat an entire large pizza to himself. 

The first time he smoked, it was just he and Seokwoo. They were sitting on Seokwoo's bed, watching television and listening to the thunder storm that had taken the power. It would've been romantic, really, candles lighting the room, delicate music coming from Seokwoo's phone. But the bowl they were passing back and forth took away from that. Only slightly.

That feeling, being light, weightless, like there was nothing tying him to the earth anymore, was one he enjoyed from the start. Even more so with the company of Seokwoo, always making him laugh, always playing with his hair and asking if he was okay. 

"I don't know," He heard a voice, pulling him from memory lane, "Maybe he's dead." 

Chanhee didn't even realize he had closed his eyes.

He opened them to find Taeyang, Youngkyun, and Sanghyuk all staring at him.

"Welcome back to the party. And you said it wasn't strong." Sanghyuk smirked and Taeyang spared him a glance.

"Did Seokwoo sell you the good stuff? What the hell?" 

"What time is it? How long was I out?" He sat up, panic taking over his once calm.

"Relax," Youngkyun smiled, "It's only been like thirty minutes. We have plenty of time." 

Chanhee nodded, thankful he hadn't totally knocked himself out. He was grateful for the presence of Taeyang and Youngkyun. They set to work quickly and set everything up exactly the way he had envisioned. 

Juho and Inseong were the next to show up, Inseong having to make multiple trips to bring in all the food and drinks he brought. Juho proudly called everyone in the room to look at the cake he made. 

Everyone knew he bought the cake. 

Juho didn't know how to bake anything.

But none of them were ready to call him out so instead, Chanhee thanked him endlessly and admired it. Chanhee helped Inseong set all the food up, put drinks into the fridge, and put bottles on ice. They were a ragtag group, really, but it was amazing what they could pull off. 

Jaeyoon filtered in soon after with the news that Seokwoo and Youngbin were just an hour away and Chanhee nearly jumped out of his skin at this, frantically looking around.

But really, there was nothing to be nervous about. Everything was perfect. 

"So, how should we do this? Lights off, hiding somewhere? Or just stand here and yell at him?" Juho asked, standing in the middle of the living room.

"I think we should all put on our party hats," Inseong waved one around, "And yell. That would be funny." 

Chanhee agreed, thinking that the lights off and sudden appearance might scare Seokwoo too much. He was large, and a baby, and might accidentally punch one of them in the face out of fear. 

"This looks really great, Chanhee. He's going to freak out." Inseong said, handing him a party hat.

He couldn't help but smile at this, "You think? I've never done anything like this before. I hope it works out." 

"It will. He'd love anything you do for him. He's head over heels for you, you know." 

And he did know. Seokwoo told him everyday. 

"Yeah, I know." 

"I know it's tough for you. I can tell. But this is a big deal. He loves us and loves you and the face that you've taken all this time to get us together and decorate and all that, it'll show him. It's not always about what you say," Inseong snapped his party hat on with a smile, "Sometimes it's just about what you do." 

The man walked away, joining the others in the living room and distributing hats and Chanhee wondered if maybe Inseong was a mind reader. How could he have possibly known that that was exactly what Chanhee needed to hear?

Shaking his head a few times, Chanhee glanced at his watch and realized they had just minutes left.

"Okay guys," He turned to face the group, "He'll be here soon!" 

They all huddled in the living room, Sanghyuk holding three party blowers in his mouth because he insisted that was necessary. Chanhee was watching the door like a hawk, heart beating rapidly in his chest. He felt like screaming and throwing up and doing jumping jacks all at the same time. A terrible combination of emotions, really. 

It seemed like hours had passed before he finally heard the jingling of keys and Juho was quick to hush the group, Inseong giving Chanhee's shoulder a single squeeze.

The door opened and Youngbin entered first, a wide smile on his face. 

He quickly stepped to the side and Seokwoo was in front of them now, eyes wide and curious and confused.

"Surprise!" They all shouted in unison, Sanghyuk blowing his party blowers entirely too hard so one of them shot out of his mouth and landed on the ground. Taeyang, Jaeyoon and Youngkyun pulled the strings on their poppers, confetti flying into the air. 

"Happy birthday, bro!" Juho loudly clapped, Youngbin ushering the still shocked looking Seokwoo towards them. Chanhee was frozen in place, for once unable to read how Seokwoo was feeling. 

He stood silent, a rarity, for a while before blinking rapidly and looking around, "You guys did all this for me?"

"Chanhee did it all for you," Jaeyoon gestured around, "We just helped a little bit." 

Chanhee noticed the wetness filling up in Seokwoo's eyes and he wished everyone would just disappear, if only for five minutes, so he could hold him. Tell him that he loved him. That everything Chanhee had done and ever will do would always be for him.

But their space was shared right now. That would have to wait. 

"Happy birthday." Chanhee finally spoke, holding out a party hat to Seokwoo.

The man looked at it for a moment before looking back at Chanhee. He didn't even have a moment to spare before he was swept up into the arms he'd grown so comfortable in. His feet, as they always were, were lifted off the ground and the laughter that came from his lips couldn't be stopped. Chanhee wrapped his arms around Seokwoo's neck, squeezing him tightly. 

"I love you so much." Seokwoo whispered, for just the two of them to hear.

The other boys seemed to busy themselves with the drinks and food and Juho took to turning on some music. Chanhee held his face back, so he could properly look at Seokwoo.

He was awake, he was here, he could hear him this time.

"I'm so sorry I'm bad at this. At love and loving you and telling you. But I do, so much. More than anything. And I always will." 

"Chanhee," Seokwoo spoke, adopting a serious tone as he set him back down on the ground, but still holding onto him, "You're not bad at love. You just do it differently. I know you love me, I always have. Thank you for this. For everything you do. Whether it was a party or just a night out for dinner, it would've been the best birthday as long as I can spend it with you." 

It was Chanhee's turn to quickly wipe at his eyes and he lightly tapped his forehead against Seokwoo's chest, "You're so cheesy." 

Seokwoo laughed, kissing the top of his head gently, "That's why you love me." 

It was one of the reasons, yes. But there were so many more. 

"Come on," He gathered himself and took Seokwoo's hand, "Let's celebrate." 

And maybe Chanhee was celebrating more than Seokwoo's birthday. He was celebrating his love. Celebrating a new chapter. A new light that he could see. That there was no harm to be found when expressing how he felt. 

He was safe here. And he watched Seokwoo meld into the party, laugh with his friends and smile like nothing in this world could take it away from him.

Nothing would ever take it away. Chanhee would make sure of that. 

**Author's Note:**

> YAY WE LOVE LOVE 
> 
> this was a commission for my dearest friend nicole who told me  
"just write stoner bfs rochan"  
and so i did but i made it kind of Deep because i'm me
> 
> thank you so so much nicole !!!!!!!!
> 
> anyway feel free to check out my [twitter](https://twitter.com/hongshus)!
> 
> comments and kudos always appreciated <3


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